when you post the same selfie on both facebook and instagram and the boys that you like “like” both posts <3

accidentally took adderall for the first time this weekend, and for those of you who don’t know, that’s kind of a really scary thing to do when you have a heart defect and shouldn’t even be drinking caffeine regularly. unfortunately I was too drunk to care and felt completely invincible. I’m still here so that’s the good news but the last couple days have been really rough to get through. I probably lost 5 pounds after 4 days of drinking and barely any food. which is cool because I wanted to lose some weight anyway but shitty because my appetite is still absent and I have no energy to get through the day. you know when you don’t eat and your stomach starts to shrink inside you? you get used to having it feel empty and the idea of having it remotely full makes you feel sick. it started getting cold today too, which I had been wanting, but now that it’s here I’m reminded why. the cold makes me want to hide and there’s something about hiding that has become extremely comfortable over the years. I’m hiding and shrinking inside myself and absolutely loving it because for once it’s not a response to things that are happening inside my life but because I’m so happy to be myself. 

journal